I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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