Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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