well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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