my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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