This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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