I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
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You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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