I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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