You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
People in love make me want to vomit
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
