Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
