You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
