i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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