Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
