I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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