I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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