He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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