it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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