I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
