Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
