how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
