Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
