At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
