i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
