remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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