Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
