I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
