He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
