my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
