a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
