im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
