I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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