Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
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When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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