i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.