I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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