I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.