woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
