Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
