So drunk its hurt
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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