this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
