3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
