I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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