I hate your face
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
