Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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