Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
