i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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