david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
