I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
