I am spending my child support on dildos
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
