The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
