Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
