last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
