Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
