just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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