I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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