Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
