Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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