I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
