I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
