: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
