Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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