She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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