Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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