Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
