I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
