Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
